The Myth of the Perfect Mother

I am reading a book right now and I am so excited about it I want to share it with you all. It is called “The Myth of the Perfect Mother” by Carla Barnhill. When I started reading this book, I couldn’t believe that it is no longer in print! I had to buy a used copy through Amazon.com. However, as I continue to read I can see why many people may be offended by what Carla writes; though I believe most of what she writes is right.

I haven’t finished the book yet. Maybe when I do I’ll write a true review of it. But I want to tell you this book has brought up some issues that I’ve wrestled with in my heart. It has also affirmed me as a woman, it has comforted me as a mother, and it excites me as a minister.

* * *

Denver Seminary is a fairly conservative school. Sure there are pockets of “liberal” theology (emphasis on social ethics, profs who voted for Obama, etc.), but when it comes to women there are a few things that can be noted. First, in the MDiv program that I graduated from, women account for maybe 10% of the population. In some classes it is less. Second, based on my experience it is clear that most men at the school question whether women can serve in ministry in some capacity or another. They are also uncomfortable relating to women socially. Third, some male students have no problem telling female students that they basically believe women should not be studying in the MDiv track. And they’re sly about it too. They don’t say “you shouldn’t” they say, “I don’t think women should preach…”

Carla affirms that women are gifted in ways other than being a mother or wife. Motherhood is a stage of life that ends at one point or another. Some women are gifted uniquely to be awesome “professional” mothers for their children. Others are not. For that matter, some women are able to have children and others are not. What is most important is the advancement of the gospel, not the rearing of children. That makes me push on and pursue the ministry God is calling me to, as a woman.

* * *

As a mother, I question leaving my son to work. Part of this is because I love him more than I thought possible. Part of this is because my mom was home with me and my sisters. And part of this is because of one of those conversations I had with a male classmate. It went something like this:

Me: I think I will have a hard time being home all the time.

Him: Women who say that are selfish.

So, though I don’t respect this man’s opinion and I feel bad for his wife who has nearly ten children and he wants more, I have this little voice in my head saying You’re selfish.

I relate to this paragraph Carla wrote:

I love being a mom and I’m thrilled God has given me the privilege of raising these two great kids. However, I don’t think he’s created me to be a ‘professional’ mom. I love being with my kids, watching them grow, helping them learn. But I find so much more satisfaction and fulfillment when I edit a manuscript than when I build a Lego house or dress (and redress) Barbie for her eighty-seventh wedding. This has little to do with my role as a mom, but more to do with the gifts and talents God has given to me personally.[1]

I have always hated babysitting. I get bored playing with kids. I love studying, writing, and teaching. While I am in awe of Jack and love spending time with him, I also love his nap time when I can read and write little “articles” like this. I hope to be able to work outside of the home doing the things I have been created to do sometime soon.

* * *

Finally, Carla calls out where the church has failed women and mothers. She discusses how most ministries for women assume they are married with children. She points out how mom’s groups and Bible studies occur during the day when working mothers cannot attend. She states that the church needs to be supporting women in their struggle to be the best moms and servants of God that they can be rather than pointing out where they need to improve. Carla writes, “Imagine if churches treated women as Christians rather than as mothers…” (That line sends a chill down my spine!)

Maybe the moms of the church will want to get together for mutual support and encouragement, but maybe they’d rather hang out with older women who can mentor them as Christians or with childless women who share a passion for music and art. The idea is for churches to open their understanding of “women’s ministry” to center on a women’s multifaceted spirituality rather than on her stage of life.[2]

My response is “Yes. Yes. YES!” Honestly, I have avoided mom’s groups because while I am a mom I do not primarily identify myself that way. At times I get tired of talking about sleeping, nursing, and teething. I don’t want every milestone in Jack’s life to be everything in my life. I am more refreshed when I meet with my friends who are not yet mothers than I do when I’m with other moms.

At the same time I feel God has called me to minister to other moms, especially new moms. I think becoming a mom is one of the most difficult transitions a woman can face in her life. It is vital that she is encouraged and heard at this time.

I appreciate Carla pointing out where the church has failed because as a minister I deeply desire to meet the needs of the women and mothers in my congregation. I have a feeling the way Carla repeatedly calls out the church’s failings is one reason why her book is out of print. Her prophetic voice stirs the waters and no doubt makes people uncomfortable. It even makes me uncomfortable!

And yet, I appreciate it. Thank you for your book Carla.

---

[1] Carla Barnhill, The Myth of the Perfect Mother (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004), 126.

[2] Ibid., 35-36.

Reactions to "Weary of the Gender Wars"

I just read a blog post titled "Weary of the Gender Wars" on the "Gifted for Leadership" blog that struck a chord in my heart. Nancy Leafblad expressed much of my feelings about what it is like to be a woman in ministry today. Here are a few excerpts that rang true for me along with some comments of my own:

"The trouble with these debates [complimentarian vs. egalitarian] between members of the academy is they have no basis in reality...
Reality for most women in ministry also does not speak of “rights.” We serve because we cannot do otherwise. I mean: who would willingly place themselves in a position of being targeted at every turn without being compelled to do so by their desire to serve the Lord God? But the academy continues to keep the war going through a debate that is far from the reality of most women in vocational ministry." (emphasis added)

-At Denver Seminary, there is not much debate about women in ministry. Not because we all get along, but because it has been argued that the debate is too personal. I have to say that it is personal. The debate has to do with a person's "rights" based on their gender. How much more personal can you get?! The problem is that debate in the academy does not seem to understand that there are real people involved on both sides of the issue and that all common courtesy goes out the window in the name of theology. I'm not saying all complimentarians are like this, but I have been shocked when fellow students have essentially told me to stay home and be a mom. That's when the debate is personal.
-I'd like to add here, who would place themselves in that position unless they knew God would give them the strength to keep going because of the calling He has placed on their lives?

"I’m tired of the discussion. I’m tired of being cautious around ministry staff that I do not know, not trusting how they’ll receive me. I’m tired of having to justify the call God has placed on my life to serve him in a pastoral role. I’m tired of having my gifts denied, often buried, because I am made in God’s image as a woman and not as a man..." (again, emphasis added)

- Being part of the seminary community was difficult for this very reason. A woman never knows when someone will exclude her exclusively because she's female. For a time I was incredibly timid in class and spiritual formation group simply because I knew I was not accepted. I knew this because men would not talk to me or acknowledge me. If I was in a class with two women and twenty five men no one would sit next to me. It's... disheartening, to say the least.

"I had the privilege of serving under the ministry of a world-renowned pastor for 25 years. We talked many times about this debate and our conversations helped me through those first rough times of attack. I asked him once why he didn’t speak out for women in ministry because he was so clearly supportive. His response surprised me. He told me he didn’t want to be marked by the issue, as many others had been; rather, he wanted to be known to preach Christ and quietly address divisive issues through example. I wish I had that luxury because whether I like it or not, the “gender war” follows me everywhere."

- To all of those who have stood up for us women, I thank you. You have given us a place to stand. You have reminded us that God places great value in our lives and in our work. You have encouraged us to continue when we otherwise may not have.

While this article resonates with me, I don't let myself feel the weariness often. If I let the negative feelings become too strong I want to quit. I almost did halfway through seminary. But God showed me that His way is greater than this war. He has placed a calling on my life that is stronger than any debate, stronger than any opposition. It is why I went to seminary. It is why I graduated from seminary.

There needs to be more awareness in the academy that this discussion is not just a debate over the interpretation of scripture. It is a debate over the way people are allowed to live their lives. It is a debate over the importance of individuals. And it is a debate over who God uses and how.

I'm especially thankful to those who I have tagged on this note on Facebook. You have come alongside me and encouraged me in some tough times (whether you knew it or not). You equipped me to use my gifts in leadership and ministry. You validated me when I felt insecure and afraid. I realize now I don't even know if some of you are complimentarian or egalitarian. But it does not matter. You have loved me.

Thank You.

Expelled

I just got an email from a friend telling me to check out the new movie by Ben Stein called Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed.

Now, if you know me or even if you have just read the last few blogs you know I am a Christian. I believe in God. More than that, I believe that science points to an intelligent designer. However, the scientific world, or at least the "elite few" in the scientific world will not let any scientists talk about their beliefs that the evidence in nature points to intelligence. These scientists, professors at universities and other scholars across the country have lost their tenure and their jobs for professing what they see in science.

Ben Stein decided to do something about it.

Check out the preview for his movie ( http://www.expelledthemovie.com/playground.php ) and then go see it on April 18th.

Even if you think Intelligent Design is ridiculous, do you not believe that the scientists studying the origins of life should be able to believe in it if they think the evidence points that way? Isn't that what this country is all about?

This is probably the only movie I will see in the theaters this year just after it was released. I hope you do to.

Post-Easter Reflections

“Who do people say that I am?”

Jesus asked his disciples this question weeks before he was crucified.

They replied, "Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets."

"But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say I am?" (Matthew 21:13-15)

This has been the question asked countless times throughout the last two thousand years. Who is Jesus, really? The question needs to be answered by each one of us. The remembrance of Good Friday and celebration of Easter has brought this question to my mind and I want to ask it of you. Who do you say Jesus is?

C.S Lewis expounded on this question better than I ever could so I’ll quote him now:

“… you will see that what [Jesus] said was, quite simply, the most shocking thing that has ever been uttered by human lips.

“One part of the claim tends to slip past us unnoticed because we have heard it so often that we no longer see what it amounts to. I mean the claim to forgive sins: any sins. Now unless the speaker is God, this is really so preposterous as to be comic… Yet this is what Jesus did. He told people that their sins were forgiven, and never waited to consult all the other people whom their sins had undoubtedly injured. He unhesitatingly behaved as if He was the party chiefly concerned, the person chiefly offended in all offenses. This makes sense only if He really was the God whose laws are broken and whose love is wounded in every sin. In the mouth of any speaker who is not God, these words would imply what I can only regard as a silliness and conceit unrivalled by any other character in history…

“I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: ‘I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept His claim to be God.’ That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic – on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg – or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.”

So… who do you say Jesus is?

[C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (New York: MacMillan Publishing Company,1954), 40-41 (emphasis added).]

Life Abundantly

So… now that I said I was going to write every week I better follow up on that promise! Honestly, the thoughts I posted last week have been running through my mind for several weeks, if not months, and I’m not sure what to add to it. Most systematic theologies begin by talking about God’s attributes like His omnipotence, omnipresence, or omniscience. Since I’m not a systematic theologian I don’t think I’ll start there. This is still a blog after all, so it will reflect where I am and what I’m thinking about.

So, what have I been thinking about this week?

I guess it was about life.

That may seem very broad and vague, so I’ll try to be more specific.

One of my favorite Bible verses is John 10:10 which says, “The enemy has come only to steal and to kill and to destroy; but I have come that you might have life and have it to the full.” (NIV) I like to translate the last part “that you might have life and have life abundantly.” It’s not necessarily textually correct -“life” is not written in the Greek twice, but I like the phrase “Life Abundantly.” (It’s on a necklace I bought from a young woman at a conference a few years ago. Her website is www.glorytogoddesigns.com. Check it out! She has beautiful jewelry.)

A few years ago the hope and promise of “life abundantly” brought me a lot of healing. I was recovering from depression and I realized that God does desire our lives to be abundant. He desires to bless us in life. While the enemy – Satan – desires to hurt us, bring pain, steal our joy and kill our hope, the Lord brings life. Not only life in heaven, but life today and now. I learned that the Lord wanted to heal me of my depression.

The last year has honestly not been the most abundant. Tim and I went through some pretty nasty stuff in our marriage and in the midst of a particularly horrible fight I cried on my mentor’s shoulder that I thought God wanted me to experience abundant life. I didn’t understand why I would experience so much pain. My mentor challenged me that maybe my idea of what abundant life looked like was wrong.

That thought has stuck with me. Maybe what I think abundant life looks like is different from what God thinks abundant life looks like.

The truth is, four months after I felt angry with God for my very troubled marriage, I think my mentor was right. Our marriage was very troubled. Maybe it still is in some ways. But I don’t think Tim and I could have experienced the amount of healing that we have experienced in the last year if we hadn’t gone through the trouble. If we hadn’t persevered through the pain. The last few weeks I have been humbled in my thankfulness over how close Tim and I are right now. How healthy we are. We are able to work through disagreements in a matter of minutes or hours when it would have taken days several months ago. We have learned what needed to change in ourselves and not just what needed to change in the other person because of the pain we experienced. And most of all, we are more committed to one another now than we ever have been.

I firmly believe this is all because of God’s promise of Life Abundantly.

And Life Abundantly comes from God's Spirit living in us.

His Spirit is in us because Jesus died for our sins, rose from the dead, ascended into heaven and sent the Holy Spirit to be in those who believe in Him. That’s where the promise of life reaches its fruition. It’s as complicated and as simple as that.

Without the Spirit working in our hearts, keeping us compassionate for one another, and helping us make wise choices, I think we could have ended up like so many marriages that fail after three or four years. Discouraged, convinced it could never work. Instead we were painfully honest with one another. And we trusted that God would help us through it all.

Talking about my marriage feels very vague. But it’s the best example I have to explain how abundant life looks. I know I’m not explaining it well because I am very tired, so I’m sorry. Maybe I’ll edit this within the next week – if I have time in the midst of midterms… Those are painful too.

Life Abundantly?

Definitely. :)

Thinking about God

For weeks I have been mulling around in my mind what it is I have to share with you today. I don’t know why I have been putting it off. I think is has something to do with being afraid of saying it wrong, but I’m realizing that I can’t keep it inside.

At the beginning of the fall semester, I began hearing the same quote in several places. It was from the theologian A.W. Tozer who wrote, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” (The Knowledge of the Holy, 1) For some reason this statement stuck in my mind and I began wondering what I do believe about God and how that belief has formed me. And it forms you too. It doesn’t matter if you’re an atheist, deist, Buddhist, Jew, Muslim, or Christian, the thoughts you have about God inform your life and you live the way you do because of your belief about God. If you don’t believe God exists or that He doesn’t matter, you will live your life for other things. Searching for peace and happiness in money, family, sex, drugs, friendships, work… anything that provides meaning to life.

However, if you do believe He exists and does matter, you may be like me. I’m trying to live my life in a way that honors God. However, my life has often been riddled with anxiety, insecurity, addiction to shopping, attempts to be like other women who seem to have or be what I want, and depression. It wasn’t until six months ago that I started to see that those anxieties are the result of false belief. Not just false belief about myself – because it was/is present and any counselor could tell me this – but false belief about God’s expectations. False belief about who God essentially is in His True nature.

Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” (Eph 1:17-19, emphasis added)

It was important to Paul that they knew God better. Why? Because true knowledge of God brings hope and incomparably great power.

As I’ve begun seeking God’s True nature and discovering who I am in the process, I have begun to experience healing of anxiety. Freedom from addiction. Freedom to be who I truly am.

I believe God wants me to bring you with me on my journey to know Him better. Each Saturday I will reflect on God and on who we are because of Him. I pray that this results in hope and life for all of us.

two different things...

Forgiveness

I really need to update my blog when I'm feeling better about an issue that I previously wrote about. I am feeling better about the women in ministry stuff and being a woman at the seminary. Not 100%, because it is not over, but better. Part of it has been because God has challenged me and is showing me how to heal. It starts with forgiveness.

Many years ago, I dated a guy who cheated on me. It hurt me and made me question even my husband's faithfulness later on. I held bitterness toward this lousy boyfriend for three years. THREE YEARS! That is a very long time. Finally, God told me that my attitude towards him needed to change. No matter what this guy had done or would do God wanted me to forgive and let go. The bitterness had overcome me and my attitude towards the boy was sinful.

After I forgave him, God then had me go ask for forgiveness for the bitterness I had held onto.

So I did.

And it was hard.

God is telling me to forgive this group of men. I am enslaved again to other people's sins and the only way I can experience the freedom God wants for me is to forgive them. You see, when you forgive someone you are no longer under Satan's control. It goes completely against what Satan wants for you. When you are bitter and remain angry you may feel a sense of self-righteousness, but when you forgive you have God's righteousness.

So I'm trying.

And it's hard.

I can see that when I do forgive these men I will no longer be enslaved to fear of what they think about me. I have been so concerned that they see me poorly that I have begun to see myself through their eyes. I have felt inept. I have felt like a slut. I have felt dirty in my skin. Now that I have started to forgive I feel love. I feel confidence. I feel smart. I feel beautiful.

This type of forgiveness can only be done with God's help. It can only be done through the forgiveness I have received from Him. So, I accept forgiveness for my insecurities. I accept forgiveness for not trusting Him. I accept forgiveness for arrogance and pride. I accept forgiveness for being self-seeking.

And I pass it on.

being a woman in a man's world

What is it about women that is so threatening to men? At my school the men have such strong boundaries with us women I feel like I must be sin incarnate. You can't get too close to me... I might do something inappropriate! That's ridiculous.

I heard an excerpt from the book Sacred Marriage on the radio a month or so ago that pretty well explained how I feel I am viewed at the seminary. I can't find the quote in the book right now, but the man basically said he has always viewed women as incompetent or lesser as well as sexual seductresses. As I sat there listening I realized with horror that this has been my experience at the seminary. If I am not needing to defend my presence at the seminary I am often concerned about how a man is looking at me (if my clothes are too tight, if I'm spending to much time with him, if anything could possibly be inappropriate that I am doing without realizing I am doing it). I end up feeling like I shouldn't be there because I am just a hindrance to men. I am a threat just by being a woman.

Real encouraging.

Scary.

Do I really want to do this? Go into a field where most doors are closed? I am so discouraged. And yet, I knew a bit of what I was facing. I just didn't know all of it. Statistics like 3-10% of women who graduate from seminary get jobs in churches. Or, 70% of male pastors believe women are restricted from ministering to others.

Yet, this is just the world. God has gifted me to be a pastor and He has called me to do it. I need to trust Him. If only that were easier... If only I knew the future...

Thank you God for creating me special, the way I am, female and everything. I do believe that I bear your image just like the men in my classes. Please help me stay confident in that and not feel intimidated by those who would put me down. Amen.

mourning

In my class the other day, we were discussing how difficult life can be and how our culture does not know how to mourn. We are so consumed with being entertained and the concept that life is meant to be enjoyed that we don't know how to stop the entertainment and be sorrowful when it is necessary. We don't weep and wail in times of discouragement and pain, instead we cry silently to ourselves, wondering if anyone is hurting too. We don't know how to mourn.

It is true that we have hope in this world. My husband's grandfather is currently lying in a hospital bed, stable, yet being closely monitored for changes. The next few days are going to be very telling concerning the quality of the rest of his life - if he lives. Yes, we have hope that if he dies he will be with Jesus. Yes, we have hope that if he lives, God will take care of him. But do we know how to mourn the fact that his life will never be the same again? Do we know how to weep with him over his loss? Do we know how to mourn with his wife during this terrifying time of uncertainty? I don't think so.

We throw around phrases, "Lord willing," and ignore our own feelings and desires. We don't know how to cry out to God the way David did when the Lord said He was going to take David's son because of David's sin. David cried to God, he covered himself in ashes and wept, he fasted and prayed. He mourned the imminent death of his son. People in Jesus' time would weep for days over a death. They would go to the family members and stay with them in sorrow. People today might consider this depressing. I think it was healing. Today, we don't want to ever feel sadness. Well, the world is still fallen and there is still sickness and sorrow in the world. There is still the need for tears and empathy and lamenting together. We need to mourn together. We need to bear one another's burdens, to feel their pain and to sit in it. We need to mourn.

Just Stop

One of my biggest pet peeves about Denver drivers is their driving through red lights. A week or two ago, my light to go straight turned green and three cars turning left in the oncoming traffic (who had a red light) cut in front of me. I was tempted to drive up really close to them just to scare them. I did go into the intersection and honk at them all.
It's really dangerous to go through red lights. If someone jumps their green and you come flying out of no where or they can't see you coming and you go through the light that has been red for a second or two you will hit them. Not good.
So, why is it that if I see someone go through a red light I get upset, but when God gives me the red light to stop and be with him I'm annoyed with the red light and I barrel through it? I find anything else to fill my time. I read books, I do crossword puzzles or sudoku, I call someone on the phone or I turn on the tv. I do everything but spend the time with him he wants.
And the funny thing is I later complain when He doesn't answer my questions.
(maybe if I stopped when He told me to, I'd hear the answers)
Today I keep hearing the call:
Be still
Know I am God
Stop
You know, yellow lights serve a purpose, they warn of the danger of the red light and the opposing traffic's green light. God wants me to slow down and be with him, but why am I so resistant and head strong? Why am I so selfish and prideful? Why do I tell God to hold on like the comic strip in front of me. It is from Michelangelo's painting of the Cistene chapel. God is reaching out to create Adam in the original, in the comic, Adam has a mac laptop in his lap, has a cell phone to his ear and is holding up a finger to God: "just a minute."

Thank you God for being so patient. Forgive me for thinking I have better things to do or that I can answer my own questions when you love me and want to answer them. Forgive me for worrying over the future and the past. Please keep beckoning me and telling me to stop.

following a dream... ack!

I decided I'm going to do what I believe God has put on my heart to do. It's amazing how scary it is to follow a dream. I think it's scary because there is so much risk of failure and you don't want to fail at your dream. However, there's no way to do the dream without risking failure.

So... here I go. I'm going to tell you what my dream is. But first, you have to promise to take me seriously, to not doubt me or mock me. You have to promise to love me through tough times when I do fail and when things don't look so good.

You Promise?

Ok. I want to be a writer. I want to write books and articles about real life. About life with God and about the things He's taught me. I want to share these things with other people and I want to do it through writing.

I haven't been writing a lot because I'm afraid of it. Kind of like I didn't get involved in theatre right away in high school because I didn't think I could do it. But, I could and I did. So, I believe that I can and I will do this.

There. You know my dream. Will you please pray for me?

Thanks.

Money woes

I'm tired of money.

I'm tired of the fact that there are bills to pay and there isn't enough money for things I want. Like, I want to go out to eat and go to movies, but after looking at how Tim and I have spent our money these past few months, we need to change our ways. We're not thousands in debt. Not like those people we saw on Oprah last week who had the opportunity to work with a "debt doctor", denied her help, and went over $30,000 more in debt last year for a total of over $100,000 in debt. No, we're not like that. But, currently, I think we have around $500 in credit card debt that we don't have money to pay off and that makes me uncomfortable.

The thing is, I want to go shopping. I want more clothes. I want new shoes. I want new decorations for our apartment. I want good food.

I want
I want
I want

I feel like a three year old.
Mine! Mine! MINE!!!

And then there's Paul's not-so-helpful advice in Philippians when he says
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." (4:12)

What is the secret?! How do you live without envy or greed? He sort of helps when he says, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (v. 13) but he still doesn't tell me what to do.

I guess maybe I'm not supposed to do anything. I'm just supposed to trust God and be thankful for what I have.

So, God, I trust you in this moment. I trust that you'll help us re-balance the budget. I trust you'll help me live without envy and you'll get us through this. Thank you for your love and your provision for our needs. Help me be content whatever the circumstances. Amen.

"Present Risenness"

Christ the Lord is Risen Today
Hallelujah!

I have that hymn in my head this morning; although it feels kind of silly because that’s the only line I can remember. Nevertheless, my spirit is rejoicing because it is Easter. It is the day Jesus conquered death and rose to live again. It is the day of promise for our lives. It is the day of hope.

I remember my mom dressing me up in flowery dresses with buttons and bows on Easter morning when I was little. Part of me liked getting dressed up, but the other part hated the white tights and perfect hair. Today, I am sitting in blue jeans and a “nice” shirt and I feel more joyful than I ever did when I was dolled up. I know that Christ has saved me. Christ has forgiven me. I have hope of eternal life because of Christ. I have hope that this life will be rich because the risen Christ is a part of it.

Yesterday I read a chapter in Brennan Manning’s book Abba’s Child called “Present Risenness.” The following quote stirred my soul with joy:

All day and every day we are being reshaped into the image of Christ. Everything that happens to us is designed to this end. Nothing that exists can exist beyond the pale of His presence… nothing is irrelevant to it, nothing is without significance in it.

Everything that is comes alive in the risen Christ… Everything – great, small, important, unimportant, distant, and near – has its place, its meaning, and its value… There is never a moment that does not carry eternal significance – no action that is sterile, no love that lacks fruition, and no prayer that is unheard…

The awareness of present risenness effects the integration of intuition and will, emotion and reason. Less preoccupied with appearances, we are less inclined to change costumes to win approval with each shift of company and circumstance… Now circumstances feed us, not we them; we use them, not they us. (pp. 110-111)

Oh to live each day knowing that it is significant. To live knowing that my life matters to God. To live knowing that each circumstance exists in order to better my life. To live with hope of abundant life. To find joy in every moment. To be consistently at peace with God and with the world. To be able to be myself at all times, with all people, in all circumstances. That is how I desire to live. That is what it means to live in the knowledge that “Christ the Lord is risen today!”

Our joy is complete.

Hallelujah!

Truth can stand.

Ah, what fun. Two young men, Elder Mann and Elder Smith, stopped by our apartment today. They are missionaries for the Church of the Latter Day Saints. We had a great conversation, but I had a hard time not contradicting everything they said about Christianity. I get so passionate. For example, I did interrupt Elder Smith when he said that the English Bible we have today has been translated and retranslated through different languages and we don’t know what the original language said. That is simply not true! We have thousands of manuscripts of the NT alone which far outnumbers any other piece of literature from the time. I was quick to tell him this because I hate to see people misunderstand Christianity. There is so much more to stand on that purely faith alone. It is by faith we are saved, but God does not insult our intelligence by not giving any reason for our faith.

The thing the two men emphasized over and over again was the experiences they had praying for it to be revealed to them that The Book of Mormon was true. They experienced a time of ecstasy and from that they have faith. It is true that my faith is based on experience, but I’m not throwing all caution to the wind. I analyze my beliefs, I study the Bible, I work hard at understanding so I don’t dishonor the Lord by being naïve and afraid of what other people say about Christianity.

God’s word is True.

It can be supported and is not willy-nilly. The DaVinci Code did a good job making people question the ability of Christianity to defend itself. Many other people and organizations have been working at discrediting Christianity for years. But Christianity stands.

God is all powerful. He can handle the myths about Christianity. He can handle people’s difficult questions and he can answer them.

We don’t need to be afraid.

1 Peter 3:15 “sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hop that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence”

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

Well, with all of the changes the last few weeks, it seems I have another option to wait. It hit me the other day that I don't necessarily have to work right now. We have enough money in the bank (thanks to loans) for me to be able to take a break from work and to focus on school and church right now.

Yet, I'm scared to take a break and wait.

I'm scared of not having an income - which isn't very much, I don't make a lot of money each month with what I've been doing.

I'm scared of not getting a job in the summer.

What if the position I want isn't available or I'm not hired?

Yet, the most peace I've felt about this decision came on Monday when I thought, "I don't have to work right now."

If I don't work, I'll be able to spend more time working on my sermons for my preaching class and my other papers and assignments. I'll be able to spend more time with God. I'll be more relaxed in the evenings with Tim. I'll be enjoying the rest of the semester.

If I'm working, I'll be more tired. I'll have more stress. I just don't think it's good right now.

So, I don't think I'll work.

I'll be waiting to know what is next.

noisy furniture

Leaving...

I don’t really know how to explain this, because I still wonder if it makes sense. At church on Sunday, I felt God telling me to say “Goodbye.” Goodbye to the people, the community, the service, the building, everything. Well, everything but the small group we’re a part of.

It doesn’t make sense to me because I don’t understand why God would call one person away from a church. It seems that if God is so concerned about unity in the people of God, he wouldn’t call someone away from the community their apart of.

I’m not saying I don’t want to leave my church. There have been many “signs” lately that it is time to go. The first came a long time ago when the teaching began to concern me. The second came when people asked me if I have a place to serve… and I didn’t have an exact answer. Then, at the end of January, my professional mentor (who doesn’t go to my church) challenged me that if I don’t change churches now, I won’t have a place to serve when I graduate from seminary. The scary part is, my other mentor (who does go to my church) agreed with her. And more and more people told me they agreed with her. More and more people told me they see me fitting better at another church. I’ve had other churches tell me they’ll be happy to have me.

But I’ve been hesitant to go.

Sunday, God told me to go.

The problem is, I don’t know where to go.

Tim wants me to get involved at Scum of the Earth. And I’ve been hesitant. But, I’m no longer saying “no.” A friend just told me that I’ll “know” where God wants me as soon as I walk in the sanctuary of a new church. But, I’m not sure that that’s going to happen with me. God usually has to convince me more than that. And, if I’m understanding Him well, I think He’s leading me to two things:
1. To wait.
2. To trust.
Other than that, I think I’m “homeless” for awhile. I think this is a time for him to teach me about Him and to teach me about me. I think God needed to remove my sense of belonging in order for me to fully turn to Him. It’s tough. But I have defined myself by what I’ve done for so long, I think He’s trying to wean me from that and to trust Him with my past, my present, and my future. To trust Him to define me and not myself.

Tim

Let me tell you about my husband, Tim.

Tim does things I never dreamed anyone would be able to do.

A few months ago, a high school student (or at least we assume it was a high school student) broke the side mirror off of our driver’s side door! We have procrastinated on bringing the car in for the repair, because we were told we’d need to buy a new mirror. However, on Sunday night, Tim surprised me. He stayed outside until after midnight and on Monday morning I had a driver’s side mirror again! He creatively, and securely, reattached the mirror! It was wonderful.

Tim does other wonderful things for me everyday. Like putting sun chips in my lunch because he knew I would like it. Or drawing me a candlelit bath with ice cream after a long day. Or celebrating the end of my James paper (ask me later).

I am writing these things because I have a tendency to see things rather pessimistically. I’m writing the good things to remind myself (and for you to remind me) that I have a wonderful husband when my view is a little sour.

let's catch up

You know, I would update my blog a lot more if I had internet at home, but as I don't, I hope you understand.

My last blog was a little... depressing, because I was depressed. And a lot has happened since then. I'm going through some huge transitions between finding a new church, finding a new job (anyone have a job for me?) and learning how to communicate with my husband (I learned it's not totally Tim's fault... :) ) that I'm a little exhausted. But, I'm hopeful.

God has been teaching me a lot about myself the last few weeks. First, I've learned that I hate sharing my feelings with people, but it is the thing I need to do most. Second, I learned that I was created therefore I am valuable (well, I'm still learning that one). Third, I learned that I have been so self-focused I have been the cause of a lot of my pain. Fourth, I learned that God is calling me away from my church and it's not just me being frustrated with it. Fifth, I learned that God wants to spend way more time with me than I am often willing to give him.

I have been struggling because Tim needs a lot of alone time and I often think that means he doesn't want to be with me. At some level he doesn't, but it's not because he doesn't like me, etc. It is because he needs a lot of alone time. It hit me last week that I can take that time that Tim needs to be alone to invest in God time. After all, my time with God often leaves me more fulfilled than my time with Tim. But Tim is so physically present, God is so mysterious.

So, I asked God for a chair. Not just any chair, but a comfy armchair that is preferrably brown leather. And an attoman where I can store books, snacks, etc. would be great. The weird thing is, I feel somewhat sure that I'll get a chair. That God will provide a chair as a place for me to spend time with him. I don't usually believe that requests like this will get answered, but this time I feel more certain. Because God wants to spend time with me too and he loves to give gifts.

Now, if I don't get the chair I'm not going to shake my fist at God. I just feel loved when I think about the chair.

I think everyone needs a place or thing that reminds them that God loves them.

More important than the chair is the lesson I've learned that I need to abide in God if I am going to be used by Him. I have been so self-focused, it has cut off my focus on God and therefore my ability to discern what it is God desires me to do. Therefore, I am working very hard to keep my focus on things above and not on earthly things. And the earthly things may seem very important, but nothing is as important as what the Lord says.