noisy furniture

Leaving...

I don’t really know how to explain this, because I still wonder if it makes sense. At church on Sunday, I felt God telling me to say “Goodbye.” Goodbye to the people, the community, the service, the building, everything. Well, everything but the small group we’re a part of.

It doesn’t make sense to me because I don’t understand why God would call one person away from a church. It seems that if God is so concerned about unity in the people of God, he wouldn’t call someone away from the community their apart of.

I’m not saying I don’t want to leave my church. There have been many “signs” lately that it is time to go. The first came a long time ago when the teaching began to concern me. The second came when people asked me if I have a place to serve… and I didn’t have an exact answer. Then, at the end of January, my professional mentor (who doesn’t go to my church) challenged me that if I don’t change churches now, I won’t have a place to serve when I graduate from seminary. The scary part is, my other mentor (who does go to my church) agreed with her. And more and more people told me they agreed with her. More and more people told me they see me fitting better at another church. I’ve had other churches tell me they’ll be happy to have me.

But I’ve been hesitant to go.

Sunday, God told me to go.

The problem is, I don’t know where to go.

Tim wants me to get involved at Scum of the Earth. And I’ve been hesitant. But, I’m no longer saying “no.” A friend just told me that I’ll “know” where God wants me as soon as I walk in the sanctuary of a new church. But, I’m not sure that that’s going to happen with me. God usually has to convince me more than that. And, if I’m understanding Him well, I think He’s leading me to two things:
1. To wait.
2. To trust.
Other than that, I think I’m “homeless” for awhile. I think this is a time for him to teach me about Him and to teach me about me. I think God needed to remove my sense of belonging in order for me to fully turn to Him. It’s tough. But I have defined myself by what I’ve done for so long, I think He’s trying to wean me from that and to trust Him with my past, my present, and my future. To trust Him to define me and not myself.

Tim

Let me tell you about my husband, Tim.

Tim does things I never dreamed anyone would be able to do.

A few months ago, a high school student (or at least we assume it was a high school student) broke the side mirror off of our driver’s side door! We have procrastinated on bringing the car in for the repair, because we were told we’d need to buy a new mirror. However, on Sunday night, Tim surprised me. He stayed outside until after midnight and on Monday morning I had a driver’s side mirror again! He creatively, and securely, reattached the mirror! It was wonderful.

Tim does other wonderful things for me everyday. Like putting sun chips in my lunch because he knew I would like it. Or drawing me a candlelit bath with ice cream after a long day. Or celebrating the end of my James paper (ask me later).

I am writing these things because I have a tendency to see things rather pessimistically. I’m writing the good things to remind myself (and for you to remind me) that I have a wonderful husband when my view is a little sour.

let's catch up

You know, I would update my blog a lot more if I had internet at home, but as I don't, I hope you understand.

My last blog was a little... depressing, because I was depressed. And a lot has happened since then. I'm going through some huge transitions between finding a new church, finding a new job (anyone have a job for me?) and learning how to communicate with my husband (I learned it's not totally Tim's fault... :) ) that I'm a little exhausted. But, I'm hopeful.

God has been teaching me a lot about myself the last few weeks. First, I've learned that I hate sharing my feelings with people, but it is the thing I need to do most. Second, I learned that I was created therefore I am valuable (well, I'm still learning that one). Third, I learned that I have been so self-focused I have been the cause of a lot of my pain. Fourth, I learned that God is calling me away from my church and it's not just me being frustrated with it. Fifth, I learned that God wants to spend way more time with me than I am often willing to give him.

I have been struggling because Tim needs a lot of alone time and I often think that means he doesn't want to be with me. At some level he doesn't, but it's not because he doesn't like me, etc. It is because he needs a lot of alone time. It hit me last week that I can take that time that Tim needs to be alone to invest in God time. After all, my time with God often leaves me more fulfilled than my time with Tim. But Tim is so physically present, God is so mysterious.

So, I asked God for a chair. Not just any chair, but a comfy armchair that is preferrably brown leather. And an attoman where I can store books, snacks, etc. would be great. The weird thing is, I feel somewhat sure that I'll get a chair. That God will provide a chair as a place for me to spend time with him. I don't usually believe that requests like this will get answered, but this time I feel more certain. Because God wants to spend time with me too and he loves to give gifts.

Now, if I don't get the chair I'm not going to shake my fist at God. I just feel loved when I think about the chair.

I think everyone needs a place or thing that reminds them that God loves them.

More important than the chair is the lesson I've learned that I need to abide in God if I am going to be used by Him. I have been so self-focused, it has cut off my focus on God and therefore my ability to discern what it is God desires me to do. Therefore, I am working very hard to keep my focus on things above and not on earthly things. And the earthly things may seem very important, but nothing is as important as what the Lord says.