Forgiveness

I really need to update my blog when I'm feeling better about an issue that I previously wrote about. I am feeling better about the women in ministry stuff and being a woman at the seminary. Not 100%, because it is not over, but better. Part of it has been because God has challenged me and is showing me how to heal. It starts with forgiveness.

Many years ago, I dated a guy who cheated on me. It hurt me and made me question even my husband's faithfulness later on. I held bitterness toward this lousy boyfriend for three years. THREE YEARS! That is a very long time. Finally, God told me that my attitude towards him needed to change. No matter what this guy had done or would do God wanted me to forgive and let go. The bitterness had overcome me and my attitude towards the boy was sinful.

After I forgave him, God then had me go ask for forgiveness for the bitterness I had held onto.

So I did.

And it was hard.

God is telling me to forgive this group of men. I am enslaved again to other people's sins and the only way I can experience the freedom God wants for me is to forgive them. You see, when you forgive someone you are no longer under Satan's control. It goes completely against what Satan wants for you. When you are bitter and remain angry you may feel a sense of self-righteousness, but when you forgive you have God's righteousness.

So I'm trying.

And it's hard.

I can see that when I do forgive these men I will no longer be enslaved to fear of what they think about me. I have been so concerned that they see me poorly that I have begun to see myself through their eyes. I have felt inept. I have felt like a slut. I have felt dirty in my skin. Now that I have started to forgive I feel love. I feel confidence. I feel smart. I feel beautiful.

This type of forgiveness can only be done with God's help. It can only be done through the forgiveness I have received from Him. So, I accept forgiveness for my insecurities. I accept forgiveness for not trusting Him. I accept forgiveness for arrogance and pride. I accept forgiveness for being self-seeking.

And I pass it on.