let's catch up

You know, I would update my blog a lot more if I had internet at home, but as I don't, I hope you understand.

My last blog was a little... depressing, because I was depressed. And a lot has happened since then. I'm going through some huge transitions between finding a new church, finding a new job (anyone have a job for me?) and learning how to communicate with my husband (I learned it's not totally Tim's fault... :) ) that I'm a little exhausted. But, I'm hopeful.

God has been teaching me a lot about myself the last few weeks. First, I've learned that I hate sharing my feelings with people, but it is the thing I need to do most. Second, I learned that I was created therefore I am valuable (well, I'm still learning that one). Third, I learned that I have been so self-focused I have been the cause of a lot of my pain. Fourth, I learned that God is calling me away from my church and it's not just me being frustrated with it. Fifth, I learned that God wants to spend way more time with me than I am often willing to give him.

I have been struggling because Tim needs a lot of alone time and I often think that means he doesn't want to be with me. At some level he doesn't, but it's not because he doesn't like me, etc. It is because he needs a lot of alone time. It hit me last week that I can take that time that Tim needs to be alone to invest in God time. After all, my time with God often leaves me more fulfilled than my time with Tim. But Tim is so physically present, God is so mysterious.

So, I asked God for a chair. Not just any chair, but a comfy armchair that is preferrably brown leather. And an attoman where I can store books, snacks, etc. would be great. The weird thing is, I feel somewhat sure that I'll get a chair. That God will provide a chair as a place for me to spend time with him. I don't usually believe that requests like this will get answered, but this time I feel more certain. Because God wants to spend time with me too and he loves to give gifts.

Now, if I don't get the chair I'm not going to shake my fist at God. I just feel loved when I think about the chair.

I think everyone needs a place or thing that reminds them that God loves them.

More important than the chair is the lesson I've learned that I need to abide in God if I am going to be used by Him. I have been so self-focused, it has cut off my focus on God and therefore my ability to discern what it is God desires me to do. Therefore, I am working very hard to keep my focus on things above and not on earthly things. And the earthly things may seem very important, but nothing is as important as what the Lord says.