The Myth of the Perfect Mother

I am reading a book right now and I am so excited about it I want to share it with you all. It is called “The Myth of the Perfect Mother” by Carla Barnhill. When I started reading this book, I couldn’t believe that it is no longer in print! I had to buy a used copy through Amazon.com. However, as I continue to read I can see why many people may be offended by what Carla writes; though I believe most of what she writes is right.

I haven’t finished the book yet. Maybe when I do I’ll write a true review of it. But I want to tell you this book has brought up some issues that I’ve wrestled with in my heart. It has also affirmed me as a woman, it has comforted me as a mother, and it excites me as a minister.

* * *

Denver Seminary is a fairly conservative school. Sure there are pockets of “liberal” theology (emphasis on social ethics, profs who voted for Obama, etc.), but when it comes to women there are a few things that can be noted. First, in the MDiv program that I graduated from, women account for maybe 10% of the population. In some classes it is less. Second, based on my experience it is clear that most men at the school question whether women can serve in ministry in some capacity or another. They are also uncomfortable relating to women socially. Third, some male students have no problem telling female students that they basically believe women should not be studying in the MDiv track. And they’re sly about it too. They don’t say “you shouldn’t” they say, “I don’t think women should preach…”

Carla affirms that women are gifted in ways other than being a mother or wife. Motherhood is a stage of life that ends at one point or another. Some women are gifted uniquely to be awesome “professional” mothers for their children. Others are not. For that matter, some women are able to have children and others are not. What is most important is the advancement of the gospel, not the rearing of children. That makes me push on and pursue the ministry God is calling me to, as a woman.

* * *

As a mother, I question leaving my son to work. Part of this is because I love him more than I thought possible. Part of this is because my mom was home with me and my sisters. And part of this is because of one of those conversations I had with a male classmate. It went something like this:

Me: I think I will have a hard time being home all the time.

Him: Women who say that are selfish.

So, though I don’t respect this man’s opinion and I feel bad for his wife who has nearly ten children and he wants more, I have this little voice in my head saying You’re selfish.

I relate to this paragraph Carla wrote:

I love being a mom and I’m thrilled God has given me the privilege of raising these two great kids. However, I don’t think he’s created me to be a ‘professional’ mom. I love being with my kids, watching them grow, helping them learn. But I find so much more satisfaction and fulfillment when I edit a manuscript than when I build a Lego house or dress (and redress) Barbie for her eighty-seventh wedding. This has little to do with my role as a mom, but more to do with the gifts and talents God has given to me personally.[1]

I have always hated babysitting. I get bored playing with kids. I love studying, writing, and teaching. While I am in awe of Jack and love spending time with him, I also love his nap time when I can read and write little “articles” like this. I hope to be able to work outside of the home doing the things I have been created to do sometime soon.

* * *

Finally, Carla calls out where the church has failed women and mothers. She discusses how most ministries for women assume they are married with children. She points out how mom’s groups and Bible studies occur during the day when working mothers cannot attend. She states that the church needs to be supporting women in their struggle to be the best moms and servants of God that they can be rather than pointing out where they need to improve. Carla writes, “Imagine if churches treated women as Christians rather than as mothers…” (That line sends a chill down my spine!)

Maybe the moms of the church will want to get together for mutual support and encouragement, but maybe they’d rather hang out with older women who can mentor them as Christians or with childless women who share a passion for music and art. The idea is for churches to open their understanding of “women’s ministry” to center on a women’s multifaceted spirituality rather than on her stage of life.[2]

My response is “Yes. Yes. YES!” Honestly, I have avoided mom’s groups because while I am a mom I do not primarily identify myself that way. At times I get tired of talking about sleeping, nursing, and teething. I don’t want every milestone in Jack’s life to be everything in my life. I am more refreshed when I meet with my friends who are not yet mothers than I do when I’m with other moms.

At the same time I feel God has called me to minister to other moms, especially new moms. I think becoming a mom is one of the most difficult transitions a woman can face in her life. It is vital that she is encouraged and heard at this time.

I appreciate Carla pointing out where the church has failed because as a minister I deeply desire to meet the needs of the women and mothers in my congregation. I have a feeling the way Carla repeatedly calls out the church’s failings is one reason why her book is out of print. Her prophetic voice stirs the waters and no doubt makes people uncomfortable. It even makes me uncomfortable!

And yet, I appreciate it. Thank you for your book Carla.

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[1] Carla Barnhill, The Myth of the Perfect Mother (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004), 126.

[2] Ibid., 35-36.

Reactions to "Weary of the Gender Wars"

I just read a blog post titled "Weary of the Gender Wars" on the "Gifted for Leadership" blog that struck a chord in my heart. Nancy Leafblad expressed much of my feelings about what it is like to be a woman in ministry today. Here are a few excerpts that rang true for me along with some comments of my own:

"The trouble with these debates [complimentarian vs. egalitarian] between members of the academy is they have no basis in reality...
Reality for most women in ministry also does not speak of “rights.” We serve because we cannot do otherwise. I mean: who would willingly place themselves in a position of being targeted at every turn without being compelled to do so by their desire to serve the Lord God? But the academy continues to keep the war going through a debate that is far from the reality of most women in vocational ministry." (emphasis added)

-At Denver Seminary, there is not much debate about women in ministry. Not because we all get along, but because it has been argued that the debate is too personal. I have to say that it is personal. The debate has to do with a person's "rights" based on their gender. How much more personal can you get?! The problem is that debate in the academy does not seem to understand that there are real people involved on both sides of the issue and that all common courtesy goes out the window in the name of theology. I'm not saying all complimentarians are like this, but I have been shocked when fellow students have essentially told me to stay home and be a mom. That's when the debate is personal.
-I'd like to add here, who would place themselves in that position unless they knew God would give them the strength to keep going because of the calling He has placed on their lives?

"I’m tired of the discussion. I’m tired of being cautious around ministry staff that I do not know, not trusting how they’ll receive me. I’m tired of having to justify the call God has placed on my life to serve him in a pastoral role. I’m tired of having my gifts denied, often buried, because I am made in God’s image as a woman and not as a man..." (again, emphasis added)

- Being part of the seminary community was difficult for this very reason. A woman never knows when someone will exclude her exclusively because she's female. For a time I was incredibly timid in class and spiritual formation group simply because I knew I was not accepted. I knew this because men would not talk to me or acknowledge me. If I was in a class with two women and twenty five men no one would sit next to me. It's... disheartening, to say the least.

"I had the privilege of serving under the ministry of a world-renowned pastor for 25 years. We talked many times about this debate and our conversations helped me through those first rough times of attack. I asked him once why he didn’t speak out for women in ministry because he was so clearly supportive. His response surprised me. He told me he didn’t want to be marked by the issue, as many others had been; rather, he wanted to be known to preach Christ and quietly address divisive issues through example. I wish I had that luxury because whether I like it or not, the “gender war” follows me everywhere."

- To all of those who have stood up for us women, I thank you. You have given us a place to stand. You have reminded us that God places great value in our lives and in our work. You have encouraged us to continue when we otherwise may not have.

While this article resonates with me, I don't let myself feel the weariness often. If I let the negative feelings become too strong I want to quit. I almost did halfway through seminary. But God showed me that His way is greater than this war. He has placed a calling on my life that is stronger than any debate, stronger than any opposition. It is why I went to seminary. It is why I graduated from seminary.

There needs to be more awareness in the academy that this discussion is not just a debate over the interpretation of scripture. It is a debate over the way people are allowed to live their lives. It is a debate over the importance of individuals. And it is a debate over who God uses and how.

I'm especially thankful to those who I have tagged on this note on Facebook. You have come alongside me and encouraged me in some tough times (whether you knew it or not). You equipped me to use my gifts in leadership and ministry. You validated me when I felt insecure and afraid. I realize now I don't even know if some of you are complimentarian or egalitarian. But it does not matter. You have loved me.

Thank You.